Wellspring February 12 Tips

How to Communicate Better With Your Partner

 As close as you are, you and your partner may not always mean the same thing when you communicate. For example, “Let’s have fun this weekend!” might mean having a quiet dinner at a nice restaurant for one partner, but might mean attending a rowdy party with a large group of friends for the other. Conflict doesn’t necessarily imply there are bad feelings between you. By honing your communication skills, your relationship can benefit one conversation at a time:

1.    When your partner comes to you with a problem, remember they’re not picking a fight or attacking you, but making an appeal to have more satisfying closeness with you. Assume positive intent even if their approach seems clumsy.

2.    Save discussions about touchy topics for when you and your partner have time to talk, and, ideally, are rested. Avoid beginning such discussions when one of you is hungry, exhausted, or in a hurry.

3.    People often argue about things that are both true. One person might be talking about intention while the other could be talking about impact . Both points of view need to be acknowledged.

4.    Be clear about what you want; don’t just hint or hope. Some people think, “If he really loved me, he would know what I want.” But loving someone is not the same as reading their mind.

5.    When your partner comes to you with a concern, practice active listening:

1. One person talks and the other simply listens and reflects on what they’ve heard—especially the feelings they heard the partner express.
2. The talker gives feedback: what the listener got right, what they missed, what was off the mark.
3. The listener again paraphrases what they heard.
4. Then give the listener a turn to talk.

6.    Closeness and separateness are both possible and necessary. This includes separate activities and separate friends. Conflicts can arise when one persons closeness/distance needs are different from their partner’s. Think of it as the temperature in a room, and work together towards setting the thermostat at a comfortable level.

7.    If you’ve been with someone a long time, you can forget to really see them.  As an experiment, try imagining you are meeting each other for the first time. What do you notice? What do you say? What attracts each of you about the other?

8.    Make “I” statements. Talk about what you experience when something happens, in as much detail as you can, rather than declaring what you think is going on. Your partner is more likely to listen if they don’t feel put in a box.

9.    Avoid giving mixed signals. If you make a closeness move with impatience in your body or alarm in your voice, for example, it’s likely your partner will sense the “louder” communication and miss your intention to connect.

10.  When things go wrong, make a repair move, and, if your partner makes a repair move, acknowledge or respond politely. Don’t ignore or react.  Use phrases like “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings” or “I misunderstood your intentions” to get things back on track

11.  If you wish your partner would reach out to you emotionally, consider emotionally reaching out to them first.

12.  Some people feel: “Every time I give to you, it takes away from me.” But keep in mind there’s a third presence: two me’s, plus a we - the relationship itself. Think of giving to your partner as investing in the relationship. It benefits you, too.